2012

An evening of bliss awaited Ardy as he watched the sun lean towards the horizon. The rays of golden light tinted the water in his wine glass as Ardy watched Newtonian classical theory of light unfurl. “Refraction” is a less used word, thought Ardy as he basked in multi-coloured sunset. It was then that Ardy’s keen eyes noted a storm brewing in a tea-cup … er.. or the water glass to be exact. It was the phone on vibration alert! Something was not right! The World was about to end on December 21, 2012.

Ardy quickly sat up. What happened? Who is going to do it? Well? It was a Mayan prophecy and Ardy was required to investigate it in detail. Ardy wondered – Ardy’s google could be a good starting point! (Ardy’s Google is customized wisdom search engine based on google platform: Tech Specs, Chronicles of Ardy!) Alongside the 2 links to wikipedia and the movie there was an innocuous link to King Charles’ story of the dead fish. Instinctively Ardy clicked on that link. (Never ignore links on Ardy’s Google! – Chronicles of Ardy).

According to the story King Charles asked the Royal Council why a live fish in a water bowl weighs less than dead one in the same water bowl. Apparently, the scientists came up with various papers detailing the scientific principles at work. King Charles laughed because none had tested the observation themselves. The fish weighed the same! The moral was we should first confirm the observation before seeking explanation.

It meant Ardy should go back into history to see what actually happened. A quick call to UCLA and Ardy was soon looking at a working prototype of time machine. A press of button and whoooosh!

Ardy awoke to clear skies, wisps of smoke and appetizing aroma of food. Two blood red eyes looked confusingly at Ardy. It was a Rabbit! Ardy quickly surveyed the surroundings, he was in close to a Maya town. He could see it on the hill ahead. Ardy decided to closely monitor the village. He quickly located a temple-like building with people carving on the rock.

Ardy surveyed the area at night. That was it! The calender is being developed! He saw the inscriptions of calender till December 19, 2012. So some more work is still to be done! That was good news! Now Ardy needed to meet the supervisor and ask him why were they ending the calender on that date. The discovery was near, the puzzle will be solved!

The next morning Ardy went to the temple ignoring confused eyes. Swiftly Ardy reached towards the person who was engraving the calendar. A brief conversation happened.

“Hello there! Who are you? What is your name?” Asked Ardy is fluent Mayan! (Ardy is man of many languages – chronicles of Ardy)

“Maya the carver! Why?”

“Who is your supervisor?” -Ardy

Maya was confused. “I have no supervisor”

“Are you the scientist who designed the calendar?” asked Ardy politely.

“No! that would be him”

Soon entire Mayan council of elders were seen gathered around. The wisest of sages looking confused. Ardy explained the situation and so did the sages. Soon everyone was in splits rolling on the floor.

Apparently Maya was a clumsy boy who could not do any thing properly. The tales of his clumsiness travelled far and the village came to be called village of Maya. 10 years ago Maya made a typing … er… engraving mistake on a Royal order leading to increase in taxes by a ridiculous 100% rather than expected 10%. As a result the king sentenced to 10 years engraving. To take advantage of this it was decided that Maya will keep engraving the calender designed by a wise scientist. The king bade Maya to engrave till the year 2000! But 10 years later Maya forgot he had to stop at 2000! He was still engraving – thanks to his clumsiness! That was the day Maya was freed from his sentence – and the reason why the calendar stopped at December 21, 2012!

Ardy smiled! It was time to head home to the sunset!

Advertisements

November 23, 2009 at 6:41 am Leave a comment

Ardy’s game of Cricket!

Ardy was driving to a stadium. His calm face was brighter today – he was wearing whites for the game of CRICKET. The game was a matter of highly confidential top-secret CIA mission – a matter of life and death for global peace. Now Americans cannot play cricket and so it was left to Ardy!

 Ardy was to captain the Zorkshire and ensure a victory. Zorkshire had already finished batting making a paltry total none could possibly defend. To make matters worse, opposition side was stacked with champions! And their batsmen were heading to the pitch. Beads of CIA sweat glistened in cold morning Zorkshire sun. Ardy’s team was already on the field – all perked up but all novices!

 Ardy, however, was calm as ever. “Cricket is a funny game!” he said as the agent read out batting records of opponents. “Two fine legs, two long legs, two short legs, no slips, & no cover” – he shouted to the vice-captain as he ran into the field. A CIA agent listening in quickly whispered into his microphone.

 The batsmen were sledging the bowler. As Ardy reached the pitch, their enthusiastic expression changed as their eyes met his cold hypnotic penetrating gaze. [Ardy’s steely gaze can silence TV-news anchors – Old Urban saying, Ardy Research Unit]

Play was short. Leg breaks were answered with cheeky leg-glances and soon all batsmen were caught by silly point. Not many runs were made as reputations went to dust as Zorkshire won the match!

Ardy straightened his hair and pulled on cap as he walked back to the dressing room. Suddenly he realized he was surrounded by the agent and three strikingly beautiful young women uncomfortably dressed. A hint of smile appeared on Ardy’s face!

“Those were fielding positions my friend.” Ardy whispered to confused CIA agent.

“So you did not want pretty girls in your team?”

“All the talk of legs covers and slips meant nothing?”

 

Ardy smiled as he offered the ladies his jacket!

March 4, 2009 at 3:07 pm Leave a comment

Ardy’s Training

That Ardy will train in a small village near Bombay (currently Mumbai) was decided long ago. Ardy’s training manual was made available to his parent when Ardy was 3 years old.

The manual was a rather queer document. For some strange reason it was “baby pink” in colour. The sketches and diagrams on the first few pages indicated its belonging to the line of “read-me-not” VCR manuals. It began with description of common gadgets and appliances to keep inquisitive rummaging eyes away. Somewhere midway, where the page colour changed to sombre grey, lay writ in bold (and italics) the real purpose of the manual!

The objective of the document is to make Ardy a keen observer who can subconsciously assess the situation for potential threats and take evasive or offensive action required to fulfil the mission objectives in letter and spirit.

 Surprisingly this was followed by just one grey page! The only task the manual recommended was for Ardy to travel to Bombay every day of the week for period of 8 years. Naively Ardy smiled at the task as he read it. After all, how difficult could it be to travel to Bombay? It was just 45kms from his home!

 “Bus”ted on the road

It was early morning the very next day. Ardy was calmly waiting for a bus to Bombay. There were very few people and of course there was no line. About 30mins later a worn, creaky bus approached the stop. No sooner it stopped than a crowd lunged to the door. Suddenly the air smelt of sweat and scores of people cramped Ardy forcing him, but not his bag, through the greasy dirty door. In an instant the Hugo Boss fragrance was replaced by obnoxiously nauseating smell of rust, grease and dirt.

Yet all was not lost as Ardy still had his bag, though it looked worn-out already and whoila a place to sit beside a beautiful damsel. The achievement was however short-lived as a large, beastly, smelly fisherwoman, who was the last person to get on the bus, swaggered threatening to drop a fresh fish and a little water onto Ardy’s hair and shirt. Chivalrous Ardy quickly got up and gave up his seat, much to the dismay of the fair young lady. Beautiful eyes scorned at him for this betrayal as a nauseating smell surrounded him. Ardy was “bus”ted!

 Train – the Trainer!

Trains were weird. His train enemies were far better trained than those in the bus. Ardy realised this when he boarded and almost empty train from the starting point. There were few seats still available a rather rare event. Everyone was asleep of so it seemed. Ardy was as alert as he could be. He noticed what stations came and who boarded. Ardy was stupefied when suddenly a man sleeping next to him woke up and walked out as the train got into the station. It was like precision clock-work! How did he know which station it was? Ardy was shaken and now alert as ever to this impending threat. He decided to use trains to learn more.

Next day found Ardy waiting for a Bombay local train. His ticket in place, bag close to his body, eyes sharp, he watched the platform clock count minutes. As expected the rush started as the train approached the platform. People jumped out and others jumped in and by the time the train stopped the process was complete. Still with expertise Ardy powered in. And assessing his intent the crowds made a little way to absorb the impact. Ardy found himself hanging by the ceiling handle with feet in the air body crushed by the bodies of people. Ardy looked around, gasping for breath squeezing out every breath of oxygen in the sweaty, nauseating air. There he saw at the corner of his eye a familiar shape among the bags and bums and bellies. It was a shoe a familiar one and Ardy realised his foot was still in it!

Ardy’s immediately understood why straying officers were “suspended” rather than “terminated”. As he nudged, or rather elbowed his way out, he understood how to use Newton’s laws of motion in real life.

Surprisingly this experience also helped Ardy in his PhD thesis where he argued that “convenience in public transportation” is the primary reason for preference for thinner genes and hence thinner mates. He showed how countries with effective public transport have stronger bias towards thinner mates.

Ardy was now learning and the train was his trainer!

 Learnings Inc

Ardy soon became adept at this. He would always find a seat with a beautiful girl. Once half conscious because of the smell and half lost in dreamy eyes, Ardy strained his ears to hear the voice of a beauty as she chatted with her friend. As the wind caressed through her hair and on his face, Ardy learnt his first lessons!

This was, as they say, a moment of enlightenment. The Buddha achieved his under a Bodhi tree and Ardy achieved his in state of calm bliss instigated by wisps of fragrance probably the very best endured by men. Here it was that the truths of the world were revealed to him. Ardy wrote them out.

  1. No matter what girls always smell good.
  2. You can only hear things louder than your heart’s pounding.
  3. People only stick to people who smell better than themselves.

Once at the bus stop or train station, a casual glance tells Ardy about his competitors. His quick eye and sharp memory quickly scanned people for their height, weight, and tell-tale sign of bus/train-catching expertise like newspaper they carried. To this day Ardy can tell what a person would smell like by the newspaper he is carrying. He could get in and out of crowded buses without taking the smell. Later Ardy would be able to withstand enormous pressures and smell torture tactics with confidence, or élan if we may say so, that drove his enemies crazy. The manual was perfect and so was the training!

February 27, 2009 at 11:59 am Leave a comment

Ardy’s Carma

The letter came on Ardy’s 18th birthday. It was short and simple.

Dear Ardy,

Get yourself “the” car in exchange for this letter at the earliest.

Regards

Sd

Authorised signatory

P.S. – This is a computer generated communication and hence does not need signature.

Which car was “the” car? Who would know? Was this a joke or a prank? Who was playing this? Why on Ardy? Millions of questions surrounded this mysterious “car”.

The fear in car dealers’ eyes when they saw the letter sealed its authenticity. More than the authoritative letter, the velvet red, embossed envelope, commanded their compliance. But they did not know about “the” car. Ardy was confused and he desperately needed help.

Help comes!

Ardy knew two people who knew a lot about cars. First he called Batman. The reaction was quick! Mr. Wayne immediately put the phone down and flew in his plane to Ardy’s house. Mr. Wayne was all excited! He had even got thirty-three different models (scaled 1:1000 in clay, along with engine performance charts and accessories list for each one!). He wanted to show all of them to Ardy, only if he could land his plane. It was left to Ardy to get permission from his school headmaster for a landing on the school grounds.

If there is one thing two guys can definitely talk about for hours it has to be cars. So it was that Ardy and Mr. Wayne spent next 16 hours discussing horse power, GPS navigation, and advantages of a well-balanced V-6 till the worst happened.

Silence is golden – “Mum” is the word

Ardy’s mom, worried about untouched plates of food, came and before Mr. Wayne could say a thing, she understood this was about cars. From thereon every model was reviewed by Ardy’s mom and trashed. Almost anything above 1000CC was classified as “too big” and anything over 100BHP was “too powerful”! Imagine the damage as the lowest engine configuration in the list was 6000CC! Mr. Wayne acquired a lot of names and hence forth would be known as “prince of dark, crazy cars”. Disappointed and dejected, Ardy and Mr. Wayne decided damage was done and they decided to go for plan B.

Searching for Alternatives

They thought of Mr. Q who could disguise a Mr. Wayne’s cars into something acceptable to Ardy’s mom. Ardy called up James Bond to get Mr. Q’s number. That call dashed their hopes. Bond mentioned that Mr. Q insists that his creations be destroyed in really extraordinary accidents. And he never makes two of the same kind!

Bond confessed “Beauty cannot be destroyed; it’s immortalized in your memory. But memory is all what remains of those cars! I still keep having nightmares about the cars we had to destroy in each of the missions. You don’t want to live with so many heart-breaks, do you?”

That sealed it! No way was Ardy going to get beyond the first accident after destroying the car! There was only one alternative left!

 

After all, it’s all a game!

The call to Gary Kasparov ensured that IBM made Deep Blue available for solving this complicated problem. Deep Blue spent about 19 days analyzing every possible move about what car would make sense for Ardy’s mom. It hanged twice and had to be rebooted because of overheating. Typically it took 3 days to start up after such incidences. After all these tantrums it gave an answer. And so it was that Ardy got himself a Premier Padmini (Fiat 1200 GranLuce Berlina)with output of 40 bhp (30 kW) @ 4800 rpm with a maximum torque of 7.20 kgf·m (70.6 N·m) @ 3000 rpm max speed 105 km/h!

February 16, 2009 at 4:17 pm Leave a comment

Ardy Grows

The journey from 9 pounds to 90 kilos wasn’t as easy. Initially it involved getting up at 5 am, eating, sleeping, eating more and sleeping more and so on. Ardy had the time of his life. Yet all too soon it was all over!

The enemy strikes!

It was when Ardy was 8 or 9 when Ardy was a little ill. And Ardy’s mom took him to a doctor! Today it is well known that Ardy always recovers by himself, but his mom didn’t know that. Worse still she did not know that the doctor was an agent of a secret terrorist organization involved in research of bio-chemical weapons. [According to the library of the congress, Afghanistan-Iran-Iraq research desk, this was the first recorded bio-chemical weapon usage in the history of mankind. – Chronicles of Ardy, Ardy Research Unit]

It was on that windy, stormy night, that Doctor Z injected into Ardy’s blood a strange serum that was meant to modify his DNA stunt his growth – er sort of stunt his growth – metaphorically at least. The serum modified Ardy’s DNA and reduced his metabolism rate to alarmingly low levels resulting in weight gain.

Growth Pains…

The weight gain was no gain rather it was a big pain. Research by scientist showed that this weight gain violated the Law of Mass balance. Eating 150 grams of food per day increased Ardy’s weight by 15000 grams. Apparently Ardy’s body was converting 100 calories worth of food into 1000 calories, a process that has baffled many a scientist to date.

[Even as you read this, World Food Organization and NASA scientist are collaborating on this investigation, hoping to solve the problem of global malnutrition and food supplies on space programs in one single discovery. – Chronicles of Ardy, Ardy Research Unit]

and Gains…

Ardy meanwhile, exercises 2 times a day, burns 1000 calories in each session, and prays that it is more than corresponding food intake. People have described Ardy fat, athletic, strong, slim, paunchy, healthy, trim and regular at various points in time. And yet, there are also people who say “Ardy has not changed” – they are lying – either to protect Ardy’s identity or trying to get Ardy into trouble!

January 31, 2009 at 3:59 am Leave a comment

Meet Ardy!

It was a long time ago, the world was simple, when thieves wore striped t-shirts and hid in the shadows, you could see the halo around good people, girls were pretty, guys were handsome and old people just too wonderful for their age! That was the time sun shone bright, the birds sang every morning, the dogs barked loud, the fires were warmer and families bigger. The time when respect and humility were good qualities, people were humble about their ignorance, about their knowledge, about their achievements, about their gifts and talents; the wise commanded respect, men got up for women, sons and daughters for parents, students for their teachers. Then, you courted before you married, you loved before you “made love”, you flirted without touching, you blushed, closed eyes when you kissed, you pained if someone got hurt! That was life of the time and that was the time of life. That was an age of innocence!

Then the world changed! With all the complexities, the smug con-men, the white-collared terrorists, the well-spoken polluters, the helpless victims, the frail aged, the obese young! It is time the world changed! And change it will!

For just a few years back, there was a flash lightening and in came Ardy!  Doctors expected him to come-in by October 15th. But he made them wait, longer and longer! He made them work harder as they were expecting twins! And work they did day after day, yet Ardy didn’t budge! When finally everyone was tired of waiting and went home for the Halloweens weekend, Ardy knew it was the moment! He chose the time Sunday 9.15am! He made people wait, something he never does usually, but he came with a bang

“Hello I am Ardy!” he said; actually it sounded more like a WAAAAAAA! Meet Ardy!

January 29, 2009 at 2:36 pm Leave a comment